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moved [May. 4th, 2009|10:03 pm]

I have moved to http://disappeargently.tumblr.com/
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(no subject) [Apr. 29th, 2009|01:18 am]


I am going to miss him for the next whole week.
Sometimes you sit back and think then you realise that there are all these people who pretend to be somebody they are not
and you wonder....

I might disappear for a bit or change my LJ account, still thinking about it..

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Love in mixtapes [Apr. 27th, 2009|12:02 pm]


My love started with a mixtape.
He made a mixtape that expresses what he felt and I fell for that.
Poetry and Edward Monkton cards.
Sweet words and bitter fights.
Love and hate.
Life and death.
Just like he cannot find another like me,
I will never be able to find someone like him again.
He gets me like no other.
We learn from each other.
Though many may say we're not suited for each other, I feel that once you strip our masks we're all just bones.

Anyway we are both simple creatures.
We like things sweet and simple.
Minimalist, we are.
When we get a house, they will only be basic things in it, so basic that you'll go "this is it?????"
We will welcome anybody and everybody.
Come join us in our simple home.
 
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It's starting to rain in my heart [Apr. 26th, 2009|05:33 pm]
[Current Music |Carla Bruni]


Did I mention I am so in love with the journal Michelle shared with me online.
Everything is so gorgeous, from the words to the pictures. And she's right, it's so much better than reading known blogs.
I am close to finishing New Earth. And then I am off to finish "The elephant Vanishes". I simply love that book by Haruki Murakami.
Very simple and pointless yet makes you think about it over and over wanting more, guessing, yearning to know.


I buy chocolate and place them on the kettle so that they melt and then i drink it.
So anyway the moral of the story is do not drink melted chocolate when using the laptop because shit happens.
Now frantically cleaning the mess.
Thank you for listening or reading or whatever you think you're doing.

2 more Cds I plan to get after I get my pay
It's Blitz! by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
My Maudlin Career by Camera Obscura


Ps: Jessie I am sorry to hear about your grandmother, I hope  you and your family are feeling better. I love you by the way, in a sisterly friendly kinda way in case you are wondering. Take care and I will see you soon enough.
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over and over [Apr. 24th, 2009|09:40 pm]
[Current Mood | tired]
[Current Music |Rachael Yamagata]



I have a lot on my mind at the moment.
Mainly on financial issues.
I have so many textbooks to buy which amounts to nearly $200.
I have yet to buy concession and so on.
I have decided not to ask him for aid anymore as it is unfair for him to be helping me all the time.
I always tell him to save money yet he spends most of his money on me.
He just cannot say NO to me, everything I ask, he wants to get it.
So now, I just have to control and stop asking.
I have to start budgeting myself and watch how I spend my money as I have to solely depend on myself from now on.
Today I met him, we went to NYDC at The Heeren then I purchased 2 Cds
Bat for Lashes and Rachael Yamagata.
Anyway since I have met him I have not once downloaded music online,
he strongly believes in buying the Cd if you truely support an artist.
So, he owns like a thousand or so Cds and I just borrow from him since we listen to more or less the same kind  of music.
We also buy music together once in a while.
We have decided to put aside one room for our music and books, turn it into a chill-out room. I think that would be really cool.
I already thought about the colour and design of the room. Divide the room into two, the books side will be bright and vintage and the music side will be darker and laid back with bean bags and sofa bed.

I am actually quite tired as I have been going out the entire week.
I plan to rest early as I have work tomorrow morning.
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(no subject) [Apr. 22nd, 2009|09:21 pm]
How can I be alive and yet move along in the world half asleep?
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Monday morning surprise. [Apr. 20th, 2009|10:10 am]
[Current Location |Sch lib]



 


In schoolright now. My lecturer is on MC.
How nice?
Anyway I am at the lib stoning with Farah. That's Farah by the way.
I pack food today because I am on a mission to save money.
Oh well, going to stone for a bit then eat my packed food and head to the convention centre to check out the CCA thingys.

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Sunday Morning [Apr. 19th, 2009|11:07 am]
[Current Mood | dorky]
[Current Music |The Submarines]

Woke up to the sound of the rain.
What a perfect day.
Went back to sleep as jogging was impossible today.
Woke up again to submit my work schedule which was due yesterday.
Made myself a sandwich.
2 things on my to-do list.
1)Organise files in com
2)Re-paint nails
I could add a few more like
*go to the market to purchase vegetables
*go IMM to collect my shoes
*read finish New Earth-again
*pack for school

Had another one of those weird dreams.
This time I was at the bus stop waiting to take the bus to school.
And I realise that I am late and I am in panic and there is no bus in that busstop that goes to my school.
I end up boarding a bus with Farhan and 2 of my pervious classmates tell me that they have heart problems and Farhan tells me not to ask any more questions. No one could see him, he was like a shadow that was guarding me or some sort. This is the second time i am dreaming of him. Strange.
So here I am on a beautiful sunday morning, wide awake and quite a number of things to do on my to-do list. Off to drink some bottled water and repaint my nails.
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Love is me and you [Apr. 17th, 2009|02:54 pm]
[Current Location |here]
[Current Mood | content]
[Current Music |sonic youth]




I can't believe that school is starting so soon.
I feel unprepared for a year of assignments, exams and FP.
Feel so tired even before I have started.
Running keeps me sane.
My mood turns destructive when I don't.
Nothing much lined up for the next few days.
Read, read read.
I got to learn to take care of myself.

I read Jessie's LJ about patience and listening.
Realised that I have been rather irritable because I refuse to listen or show attention.
I am sorry for the past few days.
I aim to do better and thank you for your patience.
Love is me and you sweets:)
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Birdhouse [Apr. 16th, 2009|11:30 pm]
[Current Location |room]
[Current Mood | indifferent]
[Current Music |Bright eyes]




I don't drink tap water.Serious.
My room was a disaster.
Books in a mess.
Shelves in a mess.
Clean at last. Took me 6 hours.
My house and birds.
I counted. Total 30 birds. I hate them. I also hate the grandfather clock.





 

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(no subject) [Apr. 16th, 2009|04:36 pm]
I am a mess.
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You are the moon [Apr. 16th, 2009|12:10 am]






19 months and still bickering.
I love bickering with him.
Stronger in the end.
Planning for another holiday already.
I have caught the travel bug.
Need to revamp my room.
Might do it over the weekend, having 2 week break from work.
Next week school starts, 2 more years of rollar coaster rides.
I pretty much know what I want to do.
I have a bet with Fatin.


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Manila [Apr. 11th, 2009|01:34 am]
[Current Location |manila]

Reporting from Manila.
Its already 4 days since i came here and it was really a whole new experience for me. Culture-shock I must say. Bree and Franco have been real nice and I feel truly grateful for their kindness. Even though it's real scary doing this alone I am glad I did this. But without Bree and Franco, I would be a lost chicken in a jungle.
So far I have learnt to be friends with cockroaches and little insects. All the things I thought I could not do I did it here. Living with pest and eating different food, sleeping on couches and adapting to the way of life. I realised that Singaporeans are really pampered and in here, it's about survival of the fittest. If you're not strong enough, you can never make it here. The first thing that terrified me was the traffic. I must say driving here is really scary, you can pretty much do what you want on the road but even though Franco is a fearless/reckless driver, I still felt safe and he did drive us around safely. It's such a shame that I am unable to treat Bree and Franco who put up with me. I can treat Bree but Franco will be busy tomorrow so I won't be able to see him again. I have to say I am really appreciating life a whole lot more, experiencing the culture here made me realise how lucky I am. Over here people have to work really hard to stay alive whereas in Singapore people are very pampered. The government is like our lifelong parents carving the pavement of life for us. We are well taken care of, so yes I have gained a new perspective since I came here. The people are fantastic but above all, I respect their independence and courage to go on living despite their  plight.

I will be going shopping with Bree tomorrow, then pack and off to the airport and back in Singapore.
I miss my family and him, most of all I miss my bed.
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(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2009|08:25 pm]
Clean room. clean room. clean roo...mm...

Off to Manila in 3 days.
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Lover [Apr. 2nd, 2009|09:22 pm]









Well, it's back to the usuals. Messy room, tired body and confused mind. I have yet to pack anything for my trip. Change change, aren't I suppose to change for the better. Nothing much for the week, well got to know a 19 feb baby better. He feels like a long lost friend though.
A friend is asking me online how to talk to a girl he like. Well dude, just talk....
k.. off to clean up and start all over again.
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feathers and arrows [Mar. 28th, 2009|04:57 pm]
I have a feeling-a very strange feeling.
I feel as if I am going to die.
Again and again I run away from it then I surrender to it.
After approximately 2 weeks of feeling this way, I have reached a limit.
For the past week I have been constantly reassuring my man on how much I love him minus the 5 minutes of daily bitchfits.
I keep telling him that if I were no longer around he should withdraw all the money in my bank and keep it to himself.
How? Coz I am giving him my ATM card when I leave for Manila. Why? Because he deserves every single penny in it and more for all that he has done for me. If I knew how I would will half my insurance money to him and the rest to my mum.
For days I have hidden the fear of my feeling and today I come open with it.

But with this feelings come total freedom and surrender.
I no longer think of my future and now I think about now.
Words can't express my mixed feelings but even if i continue to live, I shall not be looking too far into the future.
Instead I will embrace my present.
This could be due to my undiagnosed paranoia.
I would love to live a long life to fulfill all my dreams but I have no regrets.
I am at ease with myself and everyone else.

I have officially stopped taking my life for granted.
Sometimes all it takes is one strange feeling.

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Rebel without a cause [Mar. 19th, 2009|05:41 pm]
I wrote all these angry words and in just a click I deleted them all.
I don't see the point of ranting or aggravating my already aggravated mind.
All I know is that I am angry angry angry angry.

I miss those times when I was carefree and fearless.
I didnt care hurting anyone let alone care about consequences.
What happened? Growing up? I refuse to grow up. I want to be peter pan-always.

If only he had a house of his own...
I would pack my bags and leave this very instant, no questions asked.

The other day Sri said that I was a rebel without a cause and I was so tempted to jump at him and give him a piece of my mind.
But I stopped myself and thought rebel with a cause is so overrated. I am someone who gets jumpy about everything when it does not even involve me personally.  But given a choice I would have eaten him alive.

He thinks I am a sadist.
I think I am worst.
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She spoke like poetry [Mar. 5th, 2009|08:07 pm]


Time evaporates like the morning dew.
Utterly speechless as my mind has left me alone for quite sometime.
Been diving into a lot of novels and good reads.
Currently lurking in her mind, her words are so mesmerising.
Have a deep desire to acquire all her works but nearly impossible with almost 15 over volumes most of it not available in the market.
This strange beauty in her words keeps me captivated.
Found some old photographs of her back in 1931, she does have a mysterious light in her eyes.
Moving in an incredibly slow speed, I am taking notice of the world as it spins on and on.
Adore snails, adore their independence and speed.
Being being being, attaining being in myself.
It's time to stop proving and start living.
Success, achievement, wealth, everything with form brings no meaning.
Formless is my aim.

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Buzz lightyear [Mar. 2nd, 2009|11:27 pm]
I am obsessed with this girl whom I saw. I keep trying to google her on the web but somehow I just cannot find anything about her.
She's an athlete.
I know the secret.

Anyway I have finished 2 novels in 4 days and have moved on to a non-fic title. Quite interesting.

At the moment, I am ridding myself of all negativity. I am simply not going to let anybody's opinions affect my own well-being. People who have negative things to say about others are usually swallowed by bitterness so they take out their frustration on others. By picking on people, they assume that they are superior and have more power over them. But the sad truth is we are all insecure people who need constant reassurances and approval from others so we conform to fit the bill. Once we notice someone who refuses to conform and stands out on their own, we turn around and deem their actions wrong to make ourselves feel right for choosing to conform. There are 2 types. The ones that secretly admire these rebels but dare not admit it, so they form groups and lash out on the person's morals and there are those that admire and take inspirations from these rebels and gain the courage to step out in the world by themselves.
All I am saying is do not be afraid or ever apologize for who you are. Let the mouths yak while you do your thing. At the end of the day, you will have accomplish more than these yakkers will ever in their lifetime.

I realise that I have a bad habit, usually I start out with a situation I am facing then suddenly I just make it into a paragraph of lecture. Sometimes I feel so passionate about these things that I can go on and on and on and on. I just hope that maybe it will help someone in a way or another. Just like you I am figuring it out along the way.
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things and more. [Feb. 25th, 2009|10:33 pm]
I have been feeling rather mellow these days.
On my journey, on my journey. I'm on my journey.
Today I had a heart to heart talk with my mother.
I have officially boycotted my father.
I won't respect anyone who don't deserve my respect.

On a brighter note, I already bought my ticket to Philippines.
I am going on an adventure. The best part is I am going alone.
I know that my family and friends worry about my safety in a foreign country.
But I believe I have to be set free in order to find myself.
I first spoke to Stefan and suggested if his ex-gf would mind having me there.
He assured me that she won't bite so I gathered my courage and wrote her an email on my plans on visiting her country and if she could be nice enough to accomodate me.
I was surprised but she was psyched to have me there.
Though I barely know her, I planning on making a new friend.
Reason for my sudden visit?
I just felt that I needed to get out of here awhile and think for a bit.
New environment, new people and hopely new insight for me.
According to him, I am running away from my problems but from where I am it feels like a well-deserved breather.
I just need to step out of my current lifestyle and evaluate myself, I hope everyone understands.
This is a trip I need to make not want!

Other than that he is very supportive of me after the initial quarrel. He brought me to buy the tickets today and help me plan the important things. "Thank you for that, I deeply appreciate it. I know you are very worried because I can be such a muddle head sometimes and I suck at directions and I always follow my heart or instincts and don't plan my moves well. I know that I can be a pain at times for being so indecisive and you worry about sending me off to a different place where it is not generally safe for a female to travel alone. I know you are scared but trust me, I'll promise to take care of myself and not dive head first into everything and think things through."

He thinks I am stubborn and headstrong about the things that I want. I don't take no for an answer and he is learning to cope with me and my tantrums and volatile moodswings. I always come up with the strangest of theories and he tries his darnest to accept them or see from my point of view. I am blunt and mean but he take it in like a man. According to him, no girl has ever done to him the things I have done and he would not have stood it for this long. And I think that I am in love that is why I am like this. I don't let anyone in unless I  am certain it is for the long run, I don't do flings and crushes. I am a feminist(most of the time) and I go crazy because I cannot handle it. I cannot believe that I let myself fall in love because love kills. I have seen it kill my family and I know love kills. All the people who know me will know how much I stayed away from love and its painful journey. Yet here I am, on this very journey, helpless and coping with myself. I am a handful and I know it, I can't stand myself at times. But its a journey everyone has to take once it their life. Like they always say, you ain't lived till you loved.

So I end my story here and I leave with my final words.
Love can be painful and hard. Love can suck the life out of you but you know love keeps us human and alive.  Do not resist it, just accept it and the universe will take care of the rest. It doesn't matter if you love someone who is not you age, race or gender. It doesn't matter if people disagree what matters is you both are in love. People will talk but when you go to bed at night, in your heart you know you did the right thing for you. And when I leave the earth I will go in peace knowing I followed my heart and lived MY LIFE.
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